Anxiety! Lots of it!

Anxiety. That’s been a lot of what’s been going on in me these few days.

My mind recoils at my heart’s disposition, though. Feelin’ the Romans 7 struggle for sure. Chill out and trust God, Steve. The proper response for when things are out of your control is not more anxiety, but none! If it’s out of your control, it should be even more clearly in God’s hands. I mean, it’s always in God’s hands and you should always trust Him even when there’s the illusion of control, but it should be even more obvious when it’s completely out of your control. So calm down and rest in Him. Blessed are all who take refuge in Yahweh, right? You love saying that, so believe it and let there be no more unsettled feelings in your soul.

And all this anxiety over something stupid like a Master’s project? God provides, doofus! If the birds, flowers, and grass are cared for, how much more will He care for you? Be faithful and trust.

9/26 – Dependence Day

 

Hear my cry, O God, listen to my prayer; from the end of the earth I call to you when my heart is faint. Lead me to the rock that is higher than I, for you have been my refuge, a strong tower against the enemy. Let me dwell in your tent forever! Let me take refuge under the shelter of your wings! Selah 

(Psalm 61:1-4, emphasis added)

Emotional Investments, Loss, and the Apostle

(Primarily written to encourage my own soul in the future, when I am discouraged in ministry)

Lately I’ve been pondering my emotional attachments to things, and how it’s often an entanglement that atrophies faith and gives me a myopia that keeps me from looking forward to what great future things God has in store. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not about to advocate a cold, emotionless, machine-like approach to ministry and people.

Here’s a bit of a silly example. I was pouring green tea (drink of champions!) today, and the lid came loose. Hot water hurts, and so my other hand, holding the cup, involuntarily tries to get away from the heat, causing the cup to drop. The cup breaks. Now, I’ve had that cup for about 3 years, and I have many fond memories attached to it. Good meetups where I was holding that cup while intently listening or earnestly speaking, late nights studying/programming/exegeting/lesson-prepping, Skype conversations, roommate chats, and general productive times at my desk. Yeah, I’m a sap. But God was kind after I picked up the pieces and tossed them in the trash, and what He immediately brought to mind was “all things loss, Steve.”

Here’s another illustration. Will UCLA ever not hold a special place in my heart? Of course not. I got my Bachelor’s here (and Lord willing, about to get my Master’s), I’ve walked around the campus so many times, shared so many good times with dearly beloved friends, shared the Gospel with many unbelievers, done countless events with GOC, had rich times of discipleship, and so on. The memories are countless, and along with that the emotional investment. But let’s say, in a very hypothetical scenario, that GOC and GCC went doctrinally downhill, all my friends turn on me, and UCLA shuts down and is torn down for the construction of a brand new 19-acre Wal-Mart. Ouch. Talk about all your emotional investments tanking like AIG stock in September 2008. I hope to God what He’ll again bring to my mind in such a situation is “all things loss in view of the surpassing value of knowing Jesus!”

The point of the silly illustrations is this: circumstances, people, and loyalties often shift like a bandwagonner’s interest in his up-and-down football team. And when the emotional investments go south, the pain will set in, causing you to look up to Heaven, shake your fist, and say “what gives, Lord!?” Letting go is sometimes a hard thing to do. But I discipled these guys… all in vain? But I gave my earnest advice to him… he’s doing the exact opposite to his harm? But I ministered alongside him… and now he won’t even look me in the eye and say hello? (No, I haven’t experienced the pain of all of these things… yet. Only some.)

No doubt Paul had an emotional investment in his previous identity as a Hebrew of Hebrews (Phil 3:4-6). It must’ve been painful to leave that behind. No doubt Jesus was going for the emotional jugular when He called us to love Him so much that our love for our parents looks like hate in comparison (Luke 14:26). Who doesn’t feel pain when they have to live contrary to the cries of Mom and Dad who love material prosperity and security more than Christ?

But I feel like Paul was tapping into something immensely powerful when he took out the broad-brush and said “I count all things to be loss in view of the surpassing value of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whom I have suffered the loss of all things, and count them but rubbish so that I may gain Christ” (Phil 3:8). When Paul said “all,” I really doubt that excludes anything. When Paul said “loss,” he meant sunk costs. You write it off. You never factor it in again for future decisions. You stop mulling over the crashed investment (credit to Pastor Joel James of Pretoria, South Africa for the explanation). Driving things home: that means when people you’ve poured into give you the proverbial slap and spit in the face and the heartache ensues, the word of God has a powerful panacea for you: your relationship with Christ. So what if the teacup broke? You shrug it off and get over the loss by remembering you have something far greater. You have Jesus, the Faithful and True, with you at all times, until the end of the age, when you will then see Him face to face, and find infinite joy in singing His praise forever and ever.

And thus, the implication on today: “forgetting what lies behind and reaching forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus” (Phil 3:13-14).

A key to effectiveness in all that you do…

Be straightforward.

To expand: mean what you say. Let there be perfect clarity in your mind in regards to what you’re saying, and let your heart and soul be behind those words. You might find yourself using less words, and the words that you do use will end up having more impact. There may be short term setbacks because you won’t be a sugarcoater (or you may not say much at all), but in the long term there will be dividends paid in trust, respect, and benefit to all around. Solid.

Jesus had a more compact way of putting it: “Let what you say be simply ‘Yes’ or ‘No’; anything more than this comes from evil” (Mt 5:37).

The Humbling Effect of Kind Words

I’ve had many kind and positive words spoken to me today. Now that I think about it, it’s odd to have received so many compliments in a single day. Senior Talent Acquisition man told me I’m an extremely strong candidate and Northrop Grumman would more than love to hire me. Mom affirmed my strengths to me and encouraged me to develop them. Roommate told me I’m a dependable guy. Another close friend (who’s about to get married. Guess who? ) who is known for his succinctness called me “relentless” in my pursuit of God. Former small groupie (known for his firey passion for the Lord. Guess who? ) thanks me for helping him study rich theology about our great God. Close friend and disciple of mine (who could do my 1040 for me in his sleep) thanks me profusely for my constant care and thought-out counsel to him.

What gives? Now, obviously, I’m very aware of my glaring weaknesses and sinful tendencies that, if truly shown and dug into, would instantly repel the above givers of the compliments and cause them to run for the hills. But still, are these things not evidence of the grace of God? There are good things to be seen in my life. There are commendable things about me. But none of these are from me. They’re all from the Giver of all good gifts, Jesus Christ, Creator, Ruler, and Sustainer of all reality. So let me never, ever, boast as if I’ve generated any of these positive things myself. All received. All undeserved. All wrought in spite of a sinful, lazy, weak flesh.

Let my heart bow before my God in worship, amazement, and thanksgiving. There is no other fitting response.

A rare geek post

I usually like to keep things explicitly Godward in this blog, but this is really, really cool. Maybe it’s time to move over Firefox, check out Google Chrome. Very promising.

Favorite feature thus far: open many Javascript-heavy websites at once in many tabs, and NOT have your system hang.

Biggest caveats thus far: Flash is a little cumbersome because of their security-oriented implementation. Go to YouTube.com and see what I mean. No extensions like Firefox, so AdBlock+ is not available yet

 

On an unrelated, but VERY happy note: a really cool couple’s wedding website is now live